Thank you! I think this is shining a light on my perfectionistic ways!! My inherent belief/thought that I can and therefore I SHOULD always be/do better. Which, BTW, is not a helpful thought for me, it’s a shaming thought.

You asked me to challenge my thought “I don’t think I was able to really grasp/absorb/implement the coaching concepts and make purposeful, directed and progressive change until I found medication that worked for me”–and of course I thought I had challenged it and decided nope, this one stays! It must, it’s true afterall.

1) The thought isn’t true; I did make purposeful, directed and progressive change. I wasn’t just holed up in a dark room doing nothing. I was showing up at my job, I was participating in life, I was trying pretty hard to be “better” (whatever that means) all along and got to where I am now, which is pretty amazing.

2) Even if I could objectively find that the thought is true, let’s pretend it’s a C, what would I want to make it mean? Currently something like this:
C- I wasn’t able to really grasp/absorb/implement the coaching concepts and make purposeful, directed and progressive change until I found medication that worked for me
T-I must be defective and doing something wrong
F-helpless
A-get stuck in my head thinking through all the things wrong with me
R-prove to myself I’m defective and wrong

Actually, as I tried to put an intentional model together it didn’t even make sense anymore, b/c all my thoughts were basically how the premise of the C is bull anyway, none of it makes sense, it didn’t even register as a hypothetical possible C anymore! How would I know if I was grasping or absorbing? How would I define if I grasped or absorbed enough? How do I know my change is directed and purposeful enough? It all comes from scarcity and perfectionist mindset.

Ahhhhh, it’s such a mind-f*ck sometimes! But love it. This is huge. Thank you.