Here is my model
C- (husband) is doing what he wants
(our daughter) is doing what she wants
T – I can’t control anyone
F – Sober (like really awake- without all the thoughts swirling in my head) not alcohol/drug related
A – I talk to them when I need something or they engage with me
– I am focusing on what I want
– I am taking actions on what I want
R – I am moving closer to my goals by taking action
Background: My daughter has 2 classes left to graduate from college. She is currently attending classes and said she can’t do it. She won’t graduate without the classes. She is 23 and living in my house. She is struggling with emotional issues. She thinks she is at the effect of life. I don’t want her here anymore. I want her to be alive somewhere else living her version of what that means. She gets to choose that for herself. She is super smart and talented.
My husband will ask me about things that I have already shared with him. This happens at least once a week. He won’t ask me to do anything with him other than shopping. If I want to do a nice dinner out, vacation or experience, it is up to me. At my mom’s funeral, I broke down twice, both times he was 2 steps away from me. He just watched me. When he didn’t reach out to me after several minutes, someone else did. I want couple friends, he says he isn’t interested. I am his primary social outlet. I have a good social network. He is a good provider and lover. I have explicitly asked him for the things I want. He isn’t capable of providing it.
I am focusing on me. I am done with being mommy and am moving on to something else. I will be there as a mentor to both of my kids. My husband? I am spending the energy that I used to trying to engage him on myself and expanding my tribe. I am going to surround myself with people that are looking forward to spending time with me and are interested in what I have to say and do.
How I feel about all that? Sober and Anxious. I can’t make them do anything and don’t want to go without when I can create what I want.
The anxious part is moving towards what I want. It feels weird not prioritizing them and considering them in what I do. Feels weird not trying to engage them. I just don’t feel like talking. They already know how I feel about both situations. I am done talking about it.
Do I like my reason. Yep!