Always embarrassed for not knowing what others know

I have always had thoughts about someone correcting me or telling me I am wrong ever since I was little. I am 27 and I still get affected when someone corrects me especially at work. I am insecure about my intelligence.

I get stuck when I do the model for this. I can do a few but I’m not sure that I am using the correct things for each line and I don’t know if I am really getting to the root of the issue. What I am primarily thinking is that everyone thinks I am dumb or that it is bad to be dumb, I am dumb, therefore I am less.

I feel like I want to run away, I feel rejected, I feel powerless and put in my place. I am mean to myself and I put a lot of pressure on myself to be smarter. I know this is a whole belief system that I have of “I am not smart and I am the only one and I am less than everyone else”. I know it isn’t serving me anymore but I have a hard time getting over it.

I can do the model for certain thoughts but there is a really strong feeling I get from my thoughts around this that I always avoid because it feels horrible but I am having trouble accessing those thoughts or seeing what those actions and results are in my life when I think like this.

C: Someone corrects me
T: I am dumb
F: shame/embarrassment
A: I am standoffish, I am quiet, I try not to talk, I try to blend in, I avoid any conversation where I might be outed as dumb again, I overthink what I will say next, I am overly concerned with what everyone is thinking about me while I am speaking, I am nervous, I stutter or have a hard time formulating coherent sentences
R: I don’t learn or see an opportunity to learn something I didn’t know


C: Someone corrects me
T: People always have to correct me
F: angry
A: I am mean, I look for where they might be wrong or have been wrong in the past, I resent people for not trusting me, I obsess over what they said, I close off, I look for where people are correcting me or not trusting me, I take out my anger on those that corrected me or others that I feel are not on my side. I try to correct others
R: I am not being my best self

C: someone corrects me
T: Me always being corrected is not fair
F: betrayal/ injustice
A: *I am not sure what I do for this, maybe I am rude to others and I act out. I act upset or I try to hide being upset
R: I am not fair to others

I guess I just need some help sorting through this. I feel like my intellectual insecurity is holding me back from being a force in the world and not caring or minding if people correct me. I want to believe that it is totally ok if I am wrong even if I think the way the person corrects me is condescending or rude or hurtful. I think if I could not let it phase me then I could really put myself out there. I think one problem is that I want that, but the reason I want it is because I view it as you either have power or you don’t and knowledge is power. I don’t want to view it as being powerful or not because then it seems like it is about dominating or having the upper hand and comparing myself to others which still feels bad or isn’t serving me ……. I only want to dominate because I always feel dominated. But then if I ever do feel like I am dominating someone or I corrected someone I feel uncomfortable and bad or I still feel shame for that too.
Thanks and I look forward to any help you can provide…. feel free to correct me!