My mom was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer 5 years ago and has been stage 4 for a few years. She’s 60 years old now. She did chemo in the beginning and then has been doing it on a regular schedule for the last three years. I keep thinking that if the cancer doesn’t kill her, the chemo will.

And I think if the chemo doesn’t do it, then for sure her “dumb” decisions will. For example, she stopped all treatment for a nearly a year because she was working on believing her faith would heal her. By the time she decided to look for a doctor again, the cancer was back and even bigger. Also, her and my family don’t wear masks in enclosed spaces. Unsurprisingly, they all caught COVID in early December. So I think “See, this is why she’s going to die.”

And I think this every time something happens to her health. Today she woke up with rashes and pain all over one arm. She called her treating hospital and they said to go the emergency room because it could be an infection. And again, there was that thought.

But I don’t want to live like my mom is about to die at any moment. I want to enjoy her while she’s still here, but the sad thoughts rob me of that and put me in grief even though she’s alive. What work can I do? What are better thoughts I can believe instead?