I was married for 9 years (most all of my 20s) and I have been single now for two years. This is the most I have put myself out there to other men for a long time. I’m noticing a lot of feelings of inadequacy coming up. I am making this experience a little miserable for myself, because of judging myself. I am in cognitive dissonance about whether I want a partner or not. I have a clear image of the kind of guy I want (long hair, motorcycle, rock guy). I am judging myself because I think I am hurting myself by passing up all these people for a guy I may not ever find. The following thoughts keep showing up during my dating experience.
– I don’t even know if I really want a boyfriend, I like being single.
– it would have to be the right one before I commit
-If I found the guy I envision, I would want a boyfriend.
– I’m shallow because I keep turning down nice men because they don’t look how I want.
– its wrong of me to be so picky
– I won’t ever find the guy I like
– the guys I like never like me back
– I am not good enough to get the guys I want.
– I shouldn’t be worried about men.
– I’m using this to distract me
– It clearly keeps going wrong because i have this expectation of what I want in my mind
I haven’t wanted to get coaching on this, because I have been afraid of the change that may come with this. I don’t want to settle. I want the exact guy I picture in my head. This is a problem for me because I don’t know if they exist, if I’m shallow for being this way, and if even if I find it they probably won’t like me back. I have found a few guys that fit what I want, they reciprocate interest a little bit then it dies off. I’ve kept trying hard to talk to them, but it gets to a point where I know they don’t want to talk to me and I don’t want to continue trying. Also, I have had two men who treat me amazing, that I won’t let myself get too close to because I know I want that “dream guy.” I am willing to wait for that guy I picture to come along, but I keep making it mean something is wrong with me because I want a man to look a certain way and have a certain style before I will date them. I feel like I am passing up good things.
How do I see this as okay? I am in so much judgement about what I want. I want someone outside of me to tell me it’s okay that I want that guy, but as I keep trying with the men who look like what I want, and it keeps not working, I keep thinking I’m doing this to myself by being picky and shallow