Anger


I would never have considered myself an angry person. My parents were always angry growing up. I was not allowed to be angry. Through physical and sexual abuse I was not allowed to Express anger. On one occasion when I was 4 I threw a tantrum and my mother choked me and told me she would kill me.

For years I just called this low level sense of disquietude anxiety. I’ve always been anxious and I started putting it in the C line. But I noticed something recently…

I noticed anger started showing up in the F line. I didn’t want to acknowledge it at first, but then decided to get really honest.

I’m angry about a lot of old shit. Im having mixed thoughts about it. I know my current thoughts are causing my anger not my past. My past is just a C.

However it’s the first time as an adult where I’m allowing myself to think “that shit in the past was fucked up.” I’m not going to excuse away or rationalize other people’s actions anymore. There is a lot of relief in this thought. Then it gives away to grief and anger.

Im trying to reconcile the beauty in being honest about my thoughts and feelings and sitting in them with….getting to a place if letting go.

I don’t want to be angry, but I’m proud of myself for acknowledging I can get hurt and angry just like the other humans.

I apologize for the brain dump, but am unsure how to reconcile all of this and build models that allow me to move on.