Anger Towards My Husband

On Friday my husband told me he was going to be home late from work and I said that’s fine. I texted him at the time he said he was going to be home and asked where he was and he said he will leave shortly. I checked his phone location and he was not at work. He was at a restaurant instead.

This has happened several times where he has told me he is at work but when I check the phone location he is at a restaurant. I got angry when I saw he was at a restaurant again and I told him don’t bother coming home just stay there. When he got home, I could tell he had been drinking so I asked where he was. He said he was having dinner with four female coworkers and one male coworker.

I got really angry at him and pushed and shoved him and told him he was lying to me when he said he was at work and what did he find so interesting in these women that he was going out with them every other Friday night and lying to me saying he was staying at work. I just couldn’t contain my anger so I started throwing things across the room and I told him this was enough, from now on I am going out on Friday nights with my male coworkers and having drinks.

I started threatening him that I want to separate from him and find a new man to have a good time with. I said I didn’t like being with him and it was about time I start going out and finding another man. I was purposefully saying this to hurt him because I was so angry. I have threatened him before and never have left him. I realize now I am very angry with him not only because he was lying to me or that he was out on a regular basis with his female coworkers but because I feel I always have to beg him to come home from work to spend time with me.

It seems he is so happy at work that he doesn’t come home on time. He is not interested in helping around the house nor does he ask if I need any help with anything. Every time I ask him to do anything with me, he has a very negative attitude. He tells me that he has to sacrifice what he wants to do to keep me happy. He doesn’t want to go see my parents with me and whenever I ask he creates such a scene before going. I have a lot of built-up anger towards him and to me, it feels like he doesn’t want to spend time with me and I always have to force him to do so.

He criticizes me a lot. He tells me I am so dependent on him that I can’t do anything without him and he points out my past failures as evidence of why I keep struggling in life. He tells me I don’t have any hobbies that’s why I am so bored with life and can’t live without him.

He has another side where he is very supportive of my decisions and tells me that I should believe in myself more and I am a very intelligent person with lots of potential. I do love him and he says he loves me a lot too.

I am having a hard time seeing his love on a day to day basis. But when it comes to major decisions I make in my life on changing jobs or trying something new he is very supportive of me and says do what you want, I only want to see you happy. I have been to his work several times and whenever I call on the phone he is so sweet and kind. He seems extremely happy and upbeat at work. When he comes home he is drained and moody and it’s very difficult to do anything with him without him criticizing me.

I believe I have built up anger and resentment towards him because he seems to be enjoying himself at work so much and is eager and willing to go out to drinks with his female coworkers but when it comes to me it’s such a struggle for him to spend any time with me. It’s like I have to force him to be with me and all the while I have to deal with him criticizing me. I can’t move beyond this anger. I keep getting stuck here. I am not in a place to forgive him but I do see that the anger is destroying me. I need help to process my anger and move towards peace.

C: Husband went to a restaurant with four female coworkers and one male coworker
T: He is happier with other women than me
F: Anger
A: I yell and scream at him. I threaten to leave him and be with other men to hurt him. I throw things across the room. I blame him for the problems in my marriage. I ask what he finds interesting in the other women. I ask why he doesn’t think he is sacrificing his time when he is with other women. I stay stuck in my head as to why he treats me so badly and is so happy with other women. I don’t try to understand him. I don’t calm myself down. I play the victim.
R: I prove he is happier with other women. I am not happy with myself.

What am I missing that I keep repeating this scenario in my life? I can see I am angry at myself for allowing him to treat me badly. I just can’t seem to move beyond the anger. I am angry at him and at myself. This is becoming very difficult for me. I want to be at peace.