Today a friend brought over some flowers for me because I helped her daughter this weekend with a medical issue (I’m a physician). It was a very sweet gesture and texted back thank you, and that it was unnecessary but appreciated. Then my husband made a comment he thinks we should just accept compliments and gifts. I got angry at him because I felt like he was saying that I handled it wrong. It wasn’t his position to comment. And now I feel like he took a lovely gesture and ruined it by judging me for how I responded. This is a pattern in our relationship where I feel very judged by him.
C: Husband makes comment about how I responded to friend who brought over flowers
T: He is always judging me
A: Withdraw, stew in anger, judge him
R: I am judging him
But this model feels so true. I AM judging him because he had no right to judge me for how I responded. He wasn’t in the situation, he wasn’t the physician, he doesn’t get to have a say in it. That feels true.
Now I’ve created a ton of conflict in my relationship. But I also felt I had to stand up for myself because I’m tired of being judged, and it slowly tears me down.