annoyed by my neightbours, but mostly by my own ability to become annoyed :)

I can hear the speaking of my neightbours through the walls.
I can tell myself, these are just sounds that naturally belong to a apartment building.

I cannot help but getting angry sometimes.
That happens when I am already pressed and stressed.

my home is meant to be a safe place for me, and thinking “I feel trapped” doesn’t help me.

I’ve always moved around,
for this new place I decided to want to stay regards.
I wanted to make it a home, to clean it every week and in that way tell myself that I care for me.

what happened is that I clean only when I really get annoyed by the dirt on the floor, I often get mad with the sounds in the apartment building.

I want to want to stay in my apartment, but external sounds really get to me.
Especially people talking. I can hear how chairs are scraping around above me.

I get this wish “I want to move far far away to the countryside with no neightbours where I can be alone with my wanting of being alone”.
I know it is not the way to do it, I would really feel alone.

I am coping with sounds in my apartment by leaving it.
However, I think this defies the want that “a home is where you feel safe”.
I shouldn’t run away from my safe place?

I lived by Brooke’s mantra “make yourself like your situation before you try to change it”.
I made sure to clean weekly and make the interior cosy and homey.

I am tired of running away from my annoyance to the world.
and the people upstairs are active.
and I had planned to do work this evening.
I can’t do it if I leave my apartment.

I have so many thoughts that are not helpful.
is this 50/50?
I feel worn out by the thought that I never know if my “safe place” is safe.