I know I have had an anxious attachment style in the past, and I frequently find myself attracted to people with an avoidant style. Usually, we have very little of the emotional intimacy that I crave and want in a relationship. This pattern started as a child when I was raised by a dad and mom who were too wrapped up in their own lives to give me much emotional attention although all of my other needs were met.

For them, meeting my physical needs and making sure I was on track in school was good enough for them. Even though they stayed married, it was a volatile relationship with very little respect or repair and a lot of ongoing resentments and grudge match fights held between them. Witnessing all of this growing up made me very frightened of intimacy.

Even though I know all of this and have been practicing thought work to find more secure partners attractive, I can’t seem to find thoughts that make the shift to a more secure style work for me. Dating exhausts me – I’ve been divorced for two years from a man who essentially lied to me and ignored me for the bulk of the marriage. Of course, I played out the pattern again and to my detriment. I’ve been wanting to find a relationship, but I keep finding the people who might make solid relationship partners too boring or stable. I’m not sure that I could deal with the day-in and day-out intimacy without feeling suffocated since I’m not used to it.

I find the ones I have to chase a lot more interesting and fun. In a sense, I know the core of my issues, but even through thought work have had little success in shifting the pattern. Right now, I’m at neutral for a lot of men who seem nice and available, but I don’t feel attraction to them. Their way of relating feels too easy for me to get, and I’m stuck wanting to earn someone’s affection, which is unhealthy and has caused loads of misery for me in the past. Here are my models:

UM
C: Different attachment styles exist
T: I only seem attracted to the men who don’t want me
F: Shame
A: Try to stop interacting with them once I realize that they are unavailable, feel compelled to win them over, re-establish communication, feel even less worthy when they don’t reciprocate yet again, imagine what it would be like to win their love, am eventually dumped, feel shame, don’t discuss it with anyone else because I’m so ashamed to be stuck in this cycle for so many years, don’t reach out to available men, find available men to be boring, try to generate attraction for available men, don’t have success, feel hopeless like I’m only capable of being attracted to men who aren’t emotionally the right person for me, don’t interact with people.
R: Numb, don’t date, feel isolated from the world.

UM
C: Different attachment styles exist
T: I could get used to accepting good treatment from a man
F: Curious
A: Attempt to tough it out when the feelings of wanting to run away emerge, try not to push away the man, try to see my criticisms of him as ways my brain is trying to weasel its way out of getting closer to a particular man, try to feel attraction for someone more emotionally available to me, find a way to make them unattractive in my mind (weight, career, past life choices, purpose or lack thereof)
R: Don’t feel attraction even with this thought

Should I keep practicing this thought, or is there something else I need to do? Like feel the feelings of abandonment and shame from my childhood, which I really, really, really, really, really, really don’t want to do. Even when I meet a guy who is doing everything I think I want, I find a way to fuck it up, or make an excuse to reject him.