I’m sooo tired of apathy and depression. It’s coming in waves. Since I’ve been working with my coach I started to have few feels of productivity and then going back to depression. And it’s just so annoying. This time it’s been awhile. I don’t want it, I don’t like it and I don’t want to stay here. I know that resisting it creates more resistance. And yet I can’t help myself. I don’t want to stay here anymore.
When I was talking with my coach and when later I was doing a model I uncovered that I avoid my feeling because I don’t want to feel grief and sadness. I’ve decided to leave the place where I’ve stayed for awhile and which I really love. And the thought of leaving people I love, the place I love creates a lot of grief and pain which I don’t want to face. I’ve listened to Brookes podcast on owning negative emotions and I started to feel my emotions for 5 minutes before I go back to the tv shows. Even that I’m avoiding now. I’m so disgusted with myself. And I know I have to stop resisting it. But I can’t. It’s taking forever. And I would want to spend my month here really enjoying my time and brimful productive and not all this.
Here is my model (I kind of combined all together since I started with an Action)
C: watching tv shows and staying in bed for days(?) or depression? Or leaving the city in 2 month? (Help me with this one please)
T: nothing makes sense
What’s the point of doing anything if I’ll leave
I should be doing things (resistance)
Everything is pointless
I don’t want to do anything
I don’t want to be like this
F: apathy (?), pain, grief, sadness, loneliness, resistance
A: watching tv shows and stay in bed all the time, not taking shower, not going for a walk, avoiding my feeling and thoughts, buffer with tv shows and games and scholars (haha). Yesterday I was playing video game while watching the buffering call lol, not making my bed
R: spending days watching tv shows and not actually spending time the way I would want to
Please help me to work though this.