I am coming out of April much like I came out of last September – my confidence is in the shitter around being able to honor myself and meet my goals. I’m feeling LESS capable around honoring my calendar – as in nearly INcapable of doing so – than when I started the month. The month started off strong in both cases but then as the days went on and life came up and people went in the hospital and children woke up earlier than planned and I got sick I honored my calendar less and less because it is so much easier not to try to control the world, which is what this feels like to me, so then I started doing the planning and TDL work halfheartedly, and now I’m skipping entire days of planning and/or simply doing it but not even entertaining the notion that I will actually do the and just doing whatever I want. My stomach feels heavy as I type this and I feel like such a loser. I see that this is just my thoughts in here and can’t seem to shake them. I also know that the reason I’m making this so dramatic means there is a ton of work for me to continue to do in this area, but I am frankly so ready for May to come so I can let this lie for a while. 🙁 . The discomfort of this month is the strongest since I’ve joined Scholars 9ish months ago.
I also feel that my goal I set for the month is probably scaring the shit out of me (to make a freebie for my itty bitty baby business, connect it to a mailing list sign up/figure out delivery, and get 10 subscribers). I wrote the freebie, got it to the point where people can sign up, and promoted NOTHING. I don’t like the freebie. It’s nothing special. I don’t WANT to promote it. So I suppose it felt easier just to have all these other things “come up” and get in the way of my goal.
And why is it that tutoring throws me into a tailspin? This is a pattern I’ve noticed, not just with the calendaring: I start the month out strong, then have tutoring and am all revved up afterwards and feel so much clarity and excitement (LOL or at least clarity) and then BOOM! It’s like my brain has a FREEEEEEEEEEAK OUT and cue DRAMA.