April & May work TLM

I started SCS in April after listening to podcasts; I was really excited. My focus was on stop buffering with food with the goal to lose weight, but mostly to just stop binging and purging. I did not do the work in April; I now know it is because it do not want to hold myself accountable. May work, I did the first week and the person I worked on was more of a type of person that consistently shows up in my life (strong, overbearing adult female) and causes me “trouble” . through the writing I learned how much I project onto other people: I don’t show up for me, I don’t keep commitments, I don’t think I am good enough, I despise myself etc. I have not done the second week because the first week was painful – being a victim is a way of not addressing the pitiful person I have become, and learning that I am projecting places the responsibility on me, rather than another person. I feel so despondent and hopeless (I know how pathetic this sounds as I type and I want to just pull up my bootstraps etc, etc, but no amount of pep talk is working right now.) I want to feel hopeful as I did when I first started, but I feel like I do not have what it takes to change. Please believe me when I read what I am typing it is pathetic to me. but I have not been able to sustain any amount of traction and I am back to old habits x10.