I’ve been thinking recently about getting more friends and I’ve run into a lot of pretty sticky thoughts about them. They are worldviews, really – my bad-feeling thoughts about friends are quite pervasive and it’s really difficult for me to see they are not thoughts.

One of the things I’m coming up against is my thoughts about my Manuals.

I think the way manuals are explained means that I need to ‘just take it’s no matter what someone else does.

For example – if someone interrupts me, or tells me I shouldn’t talk about a certain subject. I’m trying to come up with examples that are more factual (that would fit into my C line) but my thought about all of these is just someone who doesn’t care about my opinions (and I see that that sentence would be a T). And it seems to me that in order to have friends I just need to suck it up, and not make those sorts of actions mean anything bad about the other person. And just figure out a way to be happy in the relationship anyway.

I think a coach might tell me I don’t have to be in any relationship I don’t want to be in. So I can work on my thoughts about another person only if I want to.

It doesn’t seem to me like any other type of friendship is available – only the kind where I’m not really heard, I’m less than, I’m made fun of, I don’t get to voice my opinion, my opinion is derided if I do get to voice it.

It’s like I want friends for companionship, for having fun with, for confiding in, for going to trips together. But that doesn’t seem possible from here. I don’t think I’m willing to give up so much of myself for them.

My “inner coach” says: well, that’s what you have to face to have friends. So take it or leave it. And that’s just so sad.