Arguing with Boyfriend

I have been in a relationship for four years. It started out casual and became more serious. We live 1.5 hours apart and I do 95% of the driving. He is 11 years younger. We have broken up three times, most recently for a month in mid-February. He slept with two women during that time.

We had planned to spend the weekend apart, but he invited me over last night. I was talking about an actor and I told him he was ‘Me Too-ed’. My boyfriend said something to the effect that the accusations could be false and false accusations are quite a problem.

My boyfriend watches and reads what I would call “menonnist” content online. He also has told me he experienced two instances when he was falsely accused of rape. Each time sexual assault comes up, he talks about false rape charges and sometimes plays or sends me videos about false rape charges.

Last night, we argued about this. One of my family members was sexually assaulted when they were a child, so I find this especially upsetting.

This morning he started watching a dating video about how not to be needy that included casual dating examples. I lost my temper and yelled at him last night, this morning, and also earlier this week when he wanted to change the plans for the weekend.

I care about him a lot, but I feel like his behavior is disrespectful and difficult. I get that he has his own model and my R is that I’m disrespectful and difficult. The coaching model is still challenging for me around this issue and others that have to do with his views on race, gun control, and women’s rights.

C: My boyfriend says there are false rape accusations
T: He is a bad person
F: Anger, disgust (flushed face, lump in throat, shallow breathing)
A: Storm off, yell, make a list in my head of the things he is wrong about, take his opinions personally, question the relationship, question myself for being with him, think that I am not safe, and my daughter is not safe.
R: I behave like a bad person?

C: Boyfriend says there are false rape accusations
T: He has his own experience and model
F: Resigned, accepting, lighter
A: Try to listen to him, remember my experience is valid, take his words less personally, remember that I make my own choices of what to do and say, stop trying to control him
R: I stay in my business

C: Boyfriend watches a dating video with example of first date
T: He is getting advice to date other women
F: Furious
A: Yell, leave the room, think about how I can’t trust him, ask him why he even wants me to come over if he is going to play upsetting videos, pout and think about other things I could be doing with my time.
R: I create the experience of distrust in the relationship

C: Boyfriend watches a dating video with example of first date
T: He might be watching a video to coach himself about our argument
F: Curious
A: Calm down, focus on myself, stop arguing and creating drama, think about him as a person instead of a flawed man who is trying to hurt me, recognize my part in escalating the argument
R: I stay in my own business

I was thinking I could just make a boundary about not talking to him about Me Too or false rape and decide to leave the room if he keeps talking about it. This is mostly what I have been doing to date, as this has come up before, but this time I argued and we both just end up feeling bad.