Arguing with reality

Hey coaches 🙂

I just realized that my model in which I have been spinning is not at all about the circumstance! Quite interesting. It goes like this:

C: I work 38 hours/week. I get paid $X
T: I should be getting paid more
F: ripped off
A: I spin, I imagine alternative realities about where I get another job and my boss matches the very high salary or where I am not married and making different decisions with my finances, I complain to my sister, I compare & despair, I buffer with Instagram, I scroll on the jobs pages to get another higher paying job
R: In my T line I am arguing with reality and disconnect from my reality because I don’t want to accept it.

In this model, I disconnect from my family (spinning) and my job (judging on my boss because he makes the decision how much to pay me) and myself (buffering).

I think – what if I did get paid more? I think I would probably still want more and it wouldn’t be enough. I don’t want to be working in this job, this job won’t lead to where I want to be, but it is what I have chosen for myself for the next two years to get to a financial place to go after my dreams.

I often find myself slipping into the thought “I don’t want to work 38 hours”, “I don’t want to be away from home so much”, “I want to be able to support my family more”, “If I earned more money I could give more support”, “If I worked fewer hours then I could be around more”

Arguing the reality of how much I’m working. It’s not about the money or the hours.

I’ve realized the REAL disconnect is I don’t want my husband to be sick anymore (he has ongoing chronic pain & many symptoms in his daily life).

I’m blaming the job on not earning enough and on taking me away from home too much.

Which is GREAT to know.

But not really a relief, because, what do I do with that?

It is COMPLETELY out of my control to make my husband better (trust me, I’ve tried!!). I think I choose to argue with the reality of my job over the reality of my husband being sick because it is more probable that my income and working hours can change. And it’s much more within my reach to change this.

Money could go a long way in solving the problems associated with my husband’s illness. I think deep down I still want to fix it for him.

I think I subconsciously chose to argue with the reality around my job because my brain knows I won’t argue with the reality around my husband’s illness anymore. So, I suppose I’m accepting that he’s sick more than I was because my brain knows I won’t argue that point.

But there is still resistance to him being sick because I’m creating veiled resistance in other areas. Like taking it out on my job and my working hours.

What do you do when you find yourself arguing with a reality too far out of your control?
Is this even the right question to be asking?