asking for help


When I was younger, I heavily leaned on my mom and grandma for support in life. If you’ve ever seen the show Gilmore Girls, that’s what our relationship is like.

When I reached 24years old, I started going to therapy and I realized that perhaps it was a little too much for my liking. When I thought my mom was helping me, I realized that I was feeling judged and always trying to please her. I took her opinion on every little thing in my life very, very, VERY seriously. I felt like if she didn’t approve of something (literally anything) in my life, I needed to change it immediately.

Therapy helped me realize this. What I started to do was pull away from her. I thought “If she doesn’t know every detail of my life, then there is no opinion for her to share, then there is no people pleasing for me to do!” Seemed like a good enough thought.

I felt a little guilty for not including my mom in little things I was used to sharing with her. When I found Scholars, I realized that I could change this. I could tell her all the things I want to share, and if she has an opinion, I can think new Ts I had never thought before. I can keep my A line the same as I would have regardless of her opinion.

However, there were a couple things I was still having trouble telling her.

1. That I was unhappy in my relationship
2. That I had committed to Coach Certification

I wanted to be able to get out of my relationship on my own without her help. I wanted to get Certified in secret and be like “viola! look at me! I got a whole new career and I escaped a bad relationship and I did it all by myself with no help from you!!!”

Well, it didn’t really work out that way. I was feeling very sad and having an emotional, crying fit about my relationship so I called her. I ended up telling her I was unhappy and needed help getting out of my relationship situation. I ended up telling her my plans about Certification.

I don’t want to beat myself up over this, but I’m still a little bummed I was unable to do this by myself without her knowing.

Unintentional model #1:
C: I asked Mom for help leaving my relationship
T: I’m a failure because I’m too dependent on her
F: disappointed in self
A: continue to ask her questions on what I should do and how I should do it
R: I become more dependent on her

Intentional model #1:
C: I asked Mom for help leaving my relationship
T: It’s ok to ask for help sometimes
F: supported
A: accept her help and guidance without feeling judged or compelled to do exactly as she suggests
R: receive help in the way I need it, and move forward

——-

Unintentional model #2:
C: I told mom I want to become a Life Coach
T: I bet she’s judging me and thinks I’ll be a bad Life Coach
F: defensive
A: attempt to justify my choices to her
R: I judge myself and have less faith I’ll be a good Life Coach.

Intentional model #2:
C: I told mom I want to become a Life Coach
T: I like sharing the details of my life with my mom
F: connected
A: share the excitement of this new career with her
R: feel more free and less judged when I share things with my mom and others

how did I do on these models?

And how do I get from my unintentional to the intentional? All I can think of is “repeat the new thought over and over like a mantra”