Ate off protocol last night


Last night I had about 9 squares of dark chocolate that wasn’t on my protocol. The reason was that I actually had a TON of anxiety, maybe the worst anxiety I’ve had my whole life. It felt like it was almost a panic attack every time I closed my eyes I was worrying about things, and telling myself that I’m doing everything wrong, I’m messing everything up. I tried to get a hold of it, but I couldn’t – my brain was just on a rapid-fire loop and I was feeling anxiety, shame, and a huge amount of regret. “I’m doing everything wrong” was certainly the predominant thought, and I have a lot of ‘evidence’ to support it.

Anyway, I consciously told myself that I could eat the leftover dark chocolate so that maybe I’d fall asleep. I ate the chocolate, it wasn’t bingey, it wasn’t even that good. Did it help me sleep? Maybe. I do sometimes think a carb before dinner helps me sleep.

C ate 9 squares of dark chocolate off protocol
T It’s okay, I thought I was legitimately having a panic attack and needed to self-soothe
F Trepidation (I don’t want to make excuses, but I also want to love myself. This kind of feels like an excuse)
A I focus on the panicked anxiety feelings, start to pathologize my anxiety, I still follow protocol today, but feel nervous about excuse making
R I create more feelings of anxiety that need to be self-soothed

I guess the way I’d like to feel about this is loving / compassionate. I’m a bit stuck in the anxiety, it feels so heavy. I have a stiff neck this morning and I’m exhausted from it. I know the feeling started with intense loneliness, which I tried to process, but it just got worse and worse as I called a friend to help me feel less lonely and we started talking about my current challenging situations. I haven’t seen my parents in over a year because of Covid, and I feel physically sick about it (I live abroad). I feel like I am crumbling under pressure, or like I am drowning. I feel like I am wasting precious little time with my parents by living abroad, and that I shouldn’t be here. I’ve just done everything wrong, I never should have left, I’m here for money and I’m trading precious time for money and I feel sick about it. I want to go home but have a thousand reasons why I don’t want to go home. I feel torn, lonely, anxious, regretful, guilty, and frustrated. I know why I needed self-soothing. Sometimes I feel like I can contain a feeling, but last night, there was just no way.  Any help on this is so much appreciated.