Ate off protocol


C: ate some baby carrots and dip that were not written on my protocol
T: who cares I look fine
F: apathy
A: I continue not to stick to protocol
R: I don’t care about weight and I get the status quo

C: ate some baby carrots and dip that were not written on my protocol
T: I should have stuck to my protocol
F: shame
A: I want to buffer this feeling by eating more, I “make plans” to stick to it tomorrow, I obsess about food and weight
R: I don’t manage my mind and make it less likely to stick to protocol

C: ate some baby carrots and dip that were not written on my protocol
T: I’m never going to hit my weight goal
F: defeat
A: I don’t plan my food for tomorrow,
R: I don’t stick to protocol and I don’t hit my goal

C: ate some baby carrots and dip that were not written on my protocol
T: I want to get back into my happy weight range by Friday
F: panic
A: plan restrictive meals that I want to deviate from
R: I rebel against protocol and don’t get into my happy weight range by Friday

What do I WANT? I want to easily lose the last 5 or 6 pounds I’m carrying around without having food etc completely take over my life. But really, I don’t think the last 5 or 6 pounds is a very motivating goal.

What I really want to do is to eat what I say I’ll eat. I have had such a messed up relationship with food my whole life that I just want to feel good about what I eat.

I think what might have happened today is that i planned a tiny bit too restrictive of a dinner. And as a result, I rebelled against it and justified having a snack because dinner wasn’t “big enough”. So instead of waiting for tomorrow and managing my mind around my hunger, I ate.

C: dinner was salmon with butter and zucchini spirals with spaghetti sauce
T: I can have a snack because dinner wasn’t enough
F: desire to eat
A: eat
R: I have a snack

But truth be told, I was feeling a little hunger but not really. I was having an emotion that I don’t like and I wanted to eat because I didn’t want to feel what I was feeling. Yeah there was a bit of hunger but there was another emotion too.

I felt the other emotion and then had the urge to eat and stuffed it down.

I WANT to eat on my
Protocol but not even really because I’m desperate to lose this last five pounds but because I want a trustworthy relationship with myself. Maybe I’m being too militant / restrictive in my meal planning. I think that might be the problem. Maybe I just need to mindfully note when I’m hungry get after a meal or whatever and make sure I plan more food next time.

C: ate off protocol
T: okay so 8oz of salmon with butter and a bit of Parmesan and one zucchini spiraled with spaghetti sauce is not enough for dinner
F: understanding
A: next time I plan to eat salmon, perhaps I add in half an avocado or some bacon or a sweet potato. I listen to my past self and thank her for telling me, and I don’t shame her for having a snack. I tell my past self about the modifications I’ll make, and I make sure I have no niggling feelings of restriction in tomorrow’s plan.
R: I learn which meals are enough for my body and adjust accordingly

I feel good about that model. Maybe I should be putting my protocol in the c line every day and seeing if my brain things it’s restricty.

C: tomorrow’s protocol is: breakfast is tea with two servings of cream. Lunch is at 1:00 and is 5 slices of bacon with two eggs with salsa and half an avocado. Dinner is pot roast with bone broth and carrots and celery. I will weigh the pot roast to make sure it’s about 700 calories worth of a portion.
T: I won’t hit my weight goal if I eat that much
F: urge to restrict food
A: eat a little bit less than planned and end up snacking or otherwise setting myself up for failure
R: I don’t hit my weight goal

Well that’s interesting. When I plan enough food and my brain says it’s too much, that results in my likely overeating. But if I say “600 calories” instead of 700, my brain says “that’s not enough”

My brain just wants me to eat. None of this makes any logical sense. Like im talking about approximately 100 calories which makes almost zero difference in the grand scheme of things anyway. My brain just wants me to eat because I don’t want to feel. I could try to trick it and say 650 calories.

Sorry this is so long. I’m really trying to understand what’s happening in my brain so I can work with it.

C: tomorrow’s protocol is: breakfast is tea with two servings of cream. Lunch is at 1:00 and is 5 slices of bacon with two eggs with salsa and half an avocado. Dinner is pot roast with bone broth and carrots and celery. I will weigh the pot roast to make sure it’s about 650 calories worth of a portion.
T: that is sufficient
F: satisfied
A: I plan to eat exactly my protocol tomorrow
R: I eat my planned food and it is sufficient

That seems to work.

Totally open to insight!