I’ve been quarantined with my boyfriend for several weeks now. We now live together in a small room, with two other people in the flat. Before that, we usually only saw each other on the weekend. We’ve gotten into a few really bad fights in this time.

I know that this lockdown has been stressful for everyone and that we live in extreme times so I’ve been trying to acknowledge that and not jump to conclusions, but I feel like the more we are together, the less attractive I find him. And not only that, the more we are together, the more I seem to get really upset about certain core beliefs and attitudes he carries. I’ve never really been on board with those core beliefs but I’ve just told myself that I need to loosen up and let him do/think whatever he wants and just deal with it.

Now in the past few weeks I’ve also come to the realization about a very deep underlying thought I have about relationships. I remembered that my dad always used to tell me that no one will ever want to marry me. I was engaged before and I really loved my ex-boyfriend, but at some point things “just didn’t work out anymore” and looking back I think it might have been me trying to manipulate the relationship, picking fights etc.

So now I feel like I’m at the same stage; constantly looking for something to be angry/disgusted/upset about. I’m wondering, if I’m doing the same thing again, if it’s all me and that I “just” have to change my thoughts for a different outcome and save this relationship by that.

If I changed my thoughts about my boyfriend’s attractiveness, would I end up being more attracted to him again? But this seems a bit off to me, because attractiveness towards other people isn’t just something we choose or decide on, or is it? Also, do I just have to let him be and have his core beliefs and be okay with it? I know I can’t change and control people and their opinions, but I don’t think I’m able to change my belief so do we just have to live together by disagreeing on that one? Do I just need to “let it go” and do my thing? That doesn’t really feel like a healthy relationship to me though.

I don’t want to ruin this relationship neither with my old, limiting beliefs nor with my unserving thought “he’s so unattractive.” I know I can work on the first part with awareness and the model etc., but with the latter, I can’t quite figure out what to do. Am I just looking for something to pull away? Shall I look for things that I do find attractive about him? Shall I look at the things where we have the same core beliefs and just dismiss the other one or work on my belief about this core belief? That really doesn’t make me feel empowered at all though.

I’m sorry if this is confusing, I’m confused myself! 🙂
Thank you so much for answering in advance.

Thanks so much in advance!