I am digging in to my belief about what it means to be authentic. In my brain, it means to be the person you would be without anxiety. My being authentic would be more available to spend time with people without worrying that I need to get home to rest due to working 6 days a week; I would be more confident in my decisions and actions; I would not get stuck in dwelling or regret; I would not have so many indulgent thoughts (worry, doubt, overwhelm, indecision). I feel like I have lived with indulgent feelings driving me for the last 15 years. When I look back at my past, I notice all the indulgent thoughts that have driven my actions. I would have liked to have shown up differently. So now what?

One of the definitions of “authentic” is “true to one’s own personality, spirit or character”. What if I think I am not living as my authentic self? What if I believe I can show up better and thus believe I am not being authentic. In my thoughts, there is a division between who I want to show up as and who I am showing up as.

C – Definition of authentic is true to one’s own personality, spirit or character
T – I am not authentic
F – Overwhelm
A – I beat myself for my past actions; I tell myself I don’t show up as my authentic self because of my constant anxiety and, now I know, indulgent thoughts; I doubt myself; I believe I am not worthy because I allow anxiety to run the show; I don’t listen to myself when it comes to setting work boundaries so as to free up my time. I don’t physically visit friends (before COVID anyway) because I worry I will be overdoing it because of how much mental energy I put into working and worrying. I buffer with work.
R – I am creating a life that is worried and stressed.