Avoiding all emotions

Since joining scholars, I’ve began to notice all the ways I haven’t been taking responsibility for ANYTHING in my life. I’m always right and can always find a way to justify why. I’ve buffered away the last 10 years with partying, alcohol, drugs, literally anything to keep me from feeling my emotions. My emotions have always been SO intense that I was embarrassed by them. I cried a lot and cared so much about people, always laughed, was super loud and had a super obnoxious laugh. Because of this I chose to stop expressing them. I’ve gotten so good at it that now, when I do my models, I know how the thoughts make me feel but I don’t actually experience them in that moment. All I do is say okay I’m not going to think that anymore and move on. I’m buffering with all the scholars work and not actually implementing what I’m taking in.

How should I approach this? What is the next step? I know there’s something I’m just not seeing or haven’t heard the information delivered to me in a way that clicks for me.