Avoiding my own wrath


I found in my TDL that I think if I make a mistake, then I will hate myself. I’ve been really anxious this whole week about tasks at work and my ability to do my new job. I’ve not been eating or sleeping and I’ve been buffering and wondering about quitting my jobs, imagining the worst case scenario of losing my income and having nowhere to live. The shame of facing my boyfriend if i were to get fired.

How do these look? Feedback on my R’s?

UM
C: client website crawl at 45% complete shows 90,000 pages. My task is to migrate meta data
T: if I make a mistake, I’ll hate myself
F: fear
A: don’t eat. Don’t sleep. Ruminate. Drink alcohol. Buffer with coaching and podcasts. Think about the tasks and how I could make a mistake. Think there might be something I don’t know that would cause me to make a mistake. Worry. Judge myself for asking coworkers “lots of questions”, hesitate to ask other questions. Imagine my coworkers think I’m an idiot (I think I’m an idiot). Imagine how long it will take to complete the task (“so many hours”). Think of tasks I’ve made in the past with hate and contempt for myself. Worry about damaging clients business and costing them money.
R: I hate myself now and in the imagined future

IM
C: same
T: if I make a mistake, I’ll love me anyway
F: relief / loving
A: go back to sleep. Do the task. Ask questions. Think of mistakes I’ve made in the past with compassion and grace.
R: I’m loving me now and in the imagined future