Baby ambivalent

Hi Brooke,

I am excited to start Self Coaching Scholars program and already have a list of questions that has accumulated since the beginning when I first started to listen your podcast. My first question relates to one of the burning topics in my life – a decision whether or not to have a baby.

I am 37 in a committed long-term relationship. Like every other couple we have our disagreements, but overall we are quite happy. When I met my boyfriend we were both “undecided” about a baby. Over the past four years, he was moving more towards a “no” whereas I started to drive myself crazy with “I don’t know” and “I should know”. One day I want a baby, another I don’t. To add, 2016 was the year of “baby boom” in the circle of my close girlfriends. I got confused. When I look at their cute pics I started to feel I may be missing out in life (and I am aware it’s a FMO syndrome). Yet, mentally I realize what a BIG responsibility and a life change it is and I am not sure I want it. I was always quite independent and love my freedom. I started to read forums, books, topics on “ambivalent” women, just to confuse myself even more. Today as sad as it may sound, I don’t know whether I want to have a baby or not and I have no idea how to figure it out. I am also aware of the following thoughts in my head that add to confusion:
pro – “I was raised in a culture (former Soviet Union) where ‘everyone’ is expected to have a baby”, “I may miss out on the biggest happiness in my life,” “I may not know how happy I can be until I have a baby”
con – “raising children is one of the hardest jobs;” “I don’t have a need to ‘raise a human being,’ ‘leave someone behind,’ ‘procreate,’ etc;” “I don’t feel like I am missing out on anything right now;” “I realize I may be selfish, but I love my freedom and ability to control my schedule;” “If I haven’t had a ‘compelling desire’ to have a baby so far, why would I have it in 1,2,3 + years;” “I am not sure when I feel that I want a baby, it’s for the right reasons… (i.e. babies are cute, fun, vs. I actually need to raise a human being); “I am not willing to give up my happy relationship for a ‘possibility’ to be a mom in case my boyfriends decides 100% he does not want kids”

How can I stop this yo-yo combat, figure out what do I really want and move on. Thank you!