Hi, for context regarding these models, I have a son with my best friend from high school. We’re not together in the romantic sense. He lives in another country. But he is here visiting and it’s bringing up a lot of Ts and Fs. “M” is the father of my son, and “L” is my son.
C: M is in town
Unintentional Models
T He should see me when I look pretty
F Entitled
A Ruminate over how he should behave and think about what he owes me, what would make me feel better or feel pretty or feel fulfilled. Look outside for personal worth and feeling anxiety when it’s not confirmed via text or phone call or anything. Get really attached to this thought and the idea outcome (i.e. that it should happen).
R I look pretty but I don’t see it b/c I’m trying to make sure that HE sees that I look pretty
T He owes me EVERYTHING
F Entitled
A Think of all his failures and get mad when I think of his absence and more mad when I have to defend him against my mom and others. Focus ends up not being on Liam and more on him and all the ire and angst I have against him.
R Acting as if I am owed something, it’s like there’s something missing in my life that only HE can provide
T He should be texting/contacting me more.
F Entitled
A Check my phone a lot. Get my hopes up. Fantasize about what we should/could be together (even though normally I operate just fine without these thoughts). Buffer with other activities to push away my feelings or try to hide from them
R I am waiting around for someone else instead of owning my own power and going through my day
T Oh I am so powerless, being a single mom
F Self-pity
A Think of all the long hard days and nights of watching L and all the challenges I’m going through with child care, etc. Wallow in how “chebuul” I am. Feel sorry for myself and have this heavy weight on my chest will I try to “man up” and move on with my day
R I end up being bogged down by choosing to carry this weight of self-pity like so much baggage throughout the day
T I should plan out the weekend/the remaining days that M has here
F Anxiety
A Text my brother about doing a beach day with L and M; worry when my brother says he’s busy. Try to think of other activities that I can plan OR CONTROL (WHATT) so that hanging out with M is on MY TERMS and no one else’s b/c I don’t want to deal with M’s family
R I try to control everything and everything ends up controlling me
Intentional Models:
T M is here. Cool.
F Calm
A Move on with my day, knowing that my work schedule will allow for time to see L (which is the whole point). Focus on others rather than myself
R It’s just another typical day of managing my mind. All good.
T I can coordinate all the scheduling for work, L seeing M, etc.
F Confident
A Let M take the lead for contacting me and making plans, etc. and keep my schedule somewhat open, but don’t really worry if it’s not taken up with him and “making the most of his time here.”
R I go about my days with no drama
T It must be hard for M, only seeing L a little bit at a time
F Compassionate
A Accommodate M when I can, but do not ruminate over what he “owes” me or L, and hold space for everyone involved – M and L
R I have compassion for myself too as I try to navigate this whole 2021 parenting deal
T I’ve got this
F Powerful
A I do TW to get my mindset right and kill it everywhere – at work, at home, etc.
R I do everything with grace and humility
T Oh fun! Me and L are going to enjoy this.
F Excited
A Take advantage of whatever time M has to spend with L and be there if I am needed; if L is good without me I can go off and do other fun things like hang out with the ladies and catch up (wow, I didn’t even think of this until now!). Enjoy the time that L and M have together without worrying about myself my hangups
R We all have a good time, and I genuinely enjoy myself
