Last year, I turned 50, and said to myself, “What would my life look like if I gave up drinking for a year?” I was all in – for about one day, and then the rationalizations, excuses, convincing myself I was overreacting, etc., etc., etc. all kicked in, and I spent another year ‘enjoying’ my Cabernet Sauvignon. I also have gained 25 lbs over the past few years because I have been in deep stress over one of my children who was really sick, but is now OK. But the main thing I have learned is that ALL of these behaviors are major buffers, buffering some deep seated thought loops that have been the filter through which I have lived – almost my entire life.
What I do know for sure is that I have absolutely no reason not to be deeply happy and joyful. I have created an amazing life, have a wonderful marriage, two healthy kids, creative ideas, health, clean drinking water:-), and more and more. But the life I live and the life I want to live are two very different beasts. What I WANT is to be vibrant, confident that I can follow through on my commitments to myself, have solid boundaries around my time and desires, fitness (I want to get back into running), create beauty in my life, enjoy the new business I’m creating, become a fantastic ballroom dancer (Im taking lessons!), and feel physically clear, free, alive.
What I am living is not that way. I am always pasty, tired, foggy from my 2-4 nightly glasses of wine – sometimes a LOT more on the weekends or at ‘book club;’ Which leads to craving sugar the next day and overeating, shaming, guilt, and worry from my husband. Which has lead to a big weight gain, obviously. I am always overwhelmed, and I basically feel like I am a walking urge.
One of the reasons I am SO excited about being in your program is that I know you would say it’s totally OK for me to want it all – at once. To want to quit drinking, get this weight off, really deal with these deep beliefs that have felt like truth for so long, have a blast with my new biz, get super fit, and have so much fun with my family. Over the past several years, I have been playing these games with myself – or taking advice from others that I should focus on one thing at a time. But they are all intertwined. I have quit drinking for periods of time, and definitely felt better physically. But those beliefs are still there hijacking my life experience. What I want is to be a different person at this time next year. To be living as my higher self who has broken free from these belief systems that are so destructive, to have lost 25-30 lbs., to be able to run a 10k easily, and to really and truly love myself.
So much good has happened in my life over the past year, but I am not thriving. I don’t want another year to go by and end up exactly where I was. I’m afraid of the long term repercussions of drinking so much wine. I’m afraid that I will never lose this weight. I think what I’m saying is that I’m afraid that I have been letting myself down for so long, I’m not sure I’ll ever change. But I really want to. It’s like I have this fear of being happy. So – with your full support of making this ALL happen for me, I would LOVE some guidance from you as to how to go about this massive change I want to make in my one and only life. Thank you in advance, Brooke! I think you are amazing!