Bad mid-year performance review


My boss says I’m abrasive. In my mid-year performance review, he gave examples of people who didn’t like the ways in which I interacted with them and asked me if I was too challenged by the job. The role is very demanding and I experience a lot of stress from all of the work. I know that I’m also experiencing resentment because I feel like nothing I do is ever positively recognized. Before my mid-year review, I got the document my manager sent, replete with criticisms of me. I did some modeling that went along the line of “No matter what happens, I know I have my back.” While I felt the criticisms were baseless, I agreed that I could make some adjustments and I would try to adapt more to the style of interaction he wanted from me. Meanwhile, inside, I was in emotional childhood feeling the criticism was unfair and in major terror, thinking I would lose my job. I handled that very difficult conversation as best as I could, but I think my time there might be limited. Anyway, I have been working on this issue with this job in my private coaching sessions and with modeling, and the feelings of overwhelm have gotten a little bit better. I just feel totally defeated and embattled right now and have been upset since the conversation with my manager on Wednesday. I felt like if I handled the criticism too coolly, he would think I didn’t care, and if I didn’t acquiesce to his perception of me, I’d look like I couldn’t take feedback. I felt completely cornered.
UM
C: Manager says words about how other people have experienced my personality
T: I am getting dog piled right now
F: Defensive
A: Feel obligated to agree with the criticism, explain that I would do something about it, worry that I wouldn’t be able to please him no matter what I did, felt defeated and not sure how to have my back in the situation, feel my boundaries were violated when people went behind my back to complain to my manager instead of trying to talk to me first
R: Feel conquered
UM2
C: Same
T: Those are just their models
F: Self-righteous
A: Think they are stupid for criticizing me, think about how political they are, think that now I know who I cannot trust whatsoever, think about those people as utter wimps who can’t have a conversation with me, think about leaving this role
R: Create a lot of anger and stress in my body

IM
C: Same
T: I can turn this around
F: Motivated
A: Work even harder, try to be even nicer, keep quiet more often and stay more conservative around certain people, keep my head down
R: Stay alive in this role

My IM doesn’t feel good to me. It just feels like it’s about survival. I’m still feeling pretty crappy about this and can’t see a way out.