This is how much of a badass I am:
I finally joined SCS because I am at the end of my rope with my vocation–painting. I have devoted everything to being an artist for the past 16 years, and in the last 4 years, all the sacrifice and struggle has begun to pay off. Last week I was invited to be in a major show that is the most important opportunity of my career so far. But also in the last 4 years, my relationship to painting has gotten so pressured and stressful that I really feel like it is making me mentally ill. I have come to hate painting and I’m constantly terrified my best work is behind me. I was seriously considering quitting until I got the news of this big career opportunity on the SAME DAY as I started SCS. So, fuck it, I guess I’m in. So yesterday I had a horrible day painting. I was so distraught I literally peed my pants. I’m giving you this TMI just to show how bad the feelings are around painting. After I peed my pants, I laid on the floor in my studio crying for an hour, did some buffering with food, scrapped the rest of my planned-out day, took a bath, and messed around on the internet until bed. Don’t worry, I’m getting to the part where I’m a badass.
TODAY, I got up and did a model on the thoughts I was having yesterday and I’m back in the studio now with a new thought: “I always make genius work when I don’t judge.” I don’t know many people who would willingly subject themselves to an activity that seems to cause so much anguish. Getting a grip on the thoughts that actually cause the anguish is giving me hope that maybe I will be able to fulfill my destiny after all. I need so much more help so that I can prevent total meltdowns and wetting myself, but I’m really grateful at the moment for my own courage and the inspiration I’ve found here. Thank you!!!!