Beating myself up

Hi Brooke,

Could you please help me with some thoughts that would give me some sort of release of pain when I am in the midst of beating myself up and can’t stop controlling it.

I joined scholars back in October, and I have done the work on emotions in November which helped me tremendously- identified that I have a pattern of victim mentality ad indulge in negative emotions. I usually catch my thoughts and bring my awareness back to focus and tell myself I am not a victim of circumstances; however, I have undergone a break-up recently – I decided to leave the relationship because I realize it was toxic for me. What I do now when I fall into the victim mentality is I beat myself up. I noticed that I am doing well during the day when I need to concentrate on my work, and I can create the emotions that need to be created to function in the work environment, but as soon as I put my son to bed and I am with my own thoughts, i fall in the old pattern, and even call myself an imposter now- I did progress from “you are not good enough” to ‘you are human’; however, the most painful thought I have is “how could you have done this to yourself, when all the red flags were there and you chose to ignore them”. I redirect my thoughts to “If i had known better, I would have done better”, but this doesn’t stop the crying outbursts and anger I feel toward myself.

I listened to your Podcast on “Forgiveness” many times which helps me, but then again I end up judging myself saying ‘how long do you have to go through this? ‘why can’t you just move on already’, ‘why do i have all these mixed feelings’ etc. I want to feel love to forgive him and myself and sometimes I do, but then the next day or week I feel I am back to square one fighting the same fight.

C – relationship with myself
T – I am learning who I am
F – frustrated and impatient
A – cry spinning thoughts – bringing the past to justify my present
R – feeling terrible, self pity

Intentional Model
C – relationship with myself
T – I am learning who I am and what I want. I realize this might take time, so I am patient with myself and giving myself the love and compassion I would give to my best friend
F – hopeful
A- working on my thoughts, listening to podcast that interest me, visualizing/ pretending to be happy
R – accepting myself the way that I am

This intentional model is where I want to get, however, I have’t mastered it and I need some bridging thoughts to get me there.

Thank you.