Beating myself up continued


I don’t want to be OK with my mistake because I believe I need to suffer for it.
If I don’t suffer for it then I don’t care which I believe is wrong.
The circumstance is neutral although I can’t quite believe that now.
What do I want to feel?
I asked myself that and I realise I want to feel regret. I thought regret would kill me but it popped into my mind that it’s a feeling and if the worst that can happen is a feeling I can do regret. I owe it to the patient and the owner to feel negative feeling like regret, sadness, grief.
Maybe self hatred is not necessary.
Maybe I can feel regret and guilt and at the same time eventually forgive myself.