Beating self up


I just read the answer to “Is beating up oneself part of the 50/50 experience?” which sparked a feeling of doubt and resistance.

I disagreed with the answer that “Beating up oneself is not part of the 50/50 experience. …Eventually, with practice, you can get rid of it entirely.” Beating myself up is something I struggle with too and I guess I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to get rid of it entirely.

Here’s why: I get that “beating myself up” goes in the A line of a model which is caused by a thought and feeling that I can ultimately change because I have agency. I am self-aware and treat “beating myself up” as a buffer that I don’t let myself consciously indulge in. Beating myself up is choosing to indulge in *shame* and *guilt* rather than allowing the initial feeling, likely *disappointment*.

That being said, I think I’d have to be hyper-vigilent to never beat myself up. I feel like this pattern is subconscious and deeply programmed. (So interesting to write that. When I coach client on this, I would ask: does it serve you to think it’s subconscious? But, I guess when I think that myself it feels like gas-lighting. Like, it’s objectively true that it’s subconscious and hard/maybe impossible to change, so thinking I can change it would be giving myself false hope.)

I think about things like over-drinking and over-eating, also A line stuff. They are so much easier to measure whether you do them or not. (Also, a thought.) You either put the food or drink in your mouth or you don’t. I guess, the “over” part is the indulging though. You measure the “over” against a protocol. Maybe I could have a beating myself up/how I talk to myself protocol? That feels so strict and impossible because I’d have to be in my head all day.

I guess, like the other Scholar, I also want to stop beating myself up. I don’t beat myself up as much as I used to because I can catch myself indulging in that and can ask: “what’s really the matter Love?” But, I guess I just don’t believe that I can get rid of it *entirely*. I guess I can just choose to believe that I can? But that feels like the false hope thing again.

Show me my blind spots please.