My partner accuses me of things that I haven’t done. Sometimes they are easily provable things like I was accused of throwing away some paintings that later were found to have slipped down side of dresser. But mostly the accusations are more nebulous e.g. being accused of feeling or wanting something i don’t feel or want..

Anyway we used to argue as I would feel compelled to prove myself ‘innocent’, or because I would refuse to apologise, which would further enrage them. Most recently I’ve decided to just not engage with it i.e. withdraw and wait for things to calm down, or tell my partner I love them and need to take a break as I am triggered.

The thing is my partner continues to act upon what they believe to be true. So two nights ago they believed that I had not sent an email that I’d said I was going to send, and had in fact sent, but accidentally from my personal account rather than our shared one. They believed that I hadn’t sent this email because of some feelings that they believed I was feeling (which I feel very clearly that I wasn’t). I didn’t engage with any of the accusations, but forwarded the email that I’d sent and left it that. But my partner has blocked me again and gone to stay somewhere else, telling me they will be back in 2 weeks (this probably won’t be the case, based upon past experience it will be more like 3 days, but still…).

We are married and live together and I find this behaviour disruptive to our plans and my feelings of intimacy and connection. Also I get very caught up in my thoughts about this perceived ‘injustice’ and find it unable to focus on more positive things in my life.

What tools can I use to address this situation? Is it boundaries? Manual? Acceptance? I’ve done loads of models, but can’t get to the bottom of what’s going on for me here and how I can make sure I still feel love and connection and safety regardless of the other person’s behaviour. I must admit I’m doing my best with unconditional love, but am feeling increasingly angry and hurt. So then I try to process the anger and hurt, but somehow I don’t seem to be doing that either….

I’ve come to accept that my partner won’t change, although over the years they have repeatedly apologised, admitted that they have a problem and promise to seek help etc, there have been no visible actions or changes (i.e. they promised to go to anger management, got a number, but never actually went).

I keep thinking that I just have to walk away, but I really don’t want to as aside from this ‘problem’ we have a great relationship, I’m so confused and distressed that I don’t even know where to begin working on my thoughts around this..