being home

Hello and Happy New Year!

I am home visiting my family for two weeks. I am a teacher and live and work away from home most of the year. I spend two weeks in the winter and then the summer months at home with my family.

Before coming home this time I was really anxious to see my family. I have been really making it a priority to connect with them through phone calls because being such a distance away has caused me to lose some connection with them. Now while I am home, I am just really struggling with feelings of loss and loneliness. I feel disconnected from myself and from them. Instead of using this time to really connect and be present with them, I have almost become hollow and abrasive because I am resisting the emotions of loss that I will have when I leave them. I already miss them and I am not even gone, yet. I feel like this is not enough time with them.

I can see that I am creating this result of loss ahead of time and it is causing me to dissociate. I just feel so consumed with loss and sorrow that I can’t even stand being happy and present. I have always struggled with separation anxiety, and I thought I was over it, but now I see that it is just as fresh.

How do I move forward? I want to give myself permission to be lonely and miss my family and be sad about leaving them, but at the same time have my back and know that I will be okay apart from them. Right now it feels like I will just keep falling apart when I am alone. I am so afraid of being alone and losing my family if I am not around to be with them.

Here is my current model:
C–I am home with my family
T–I don’t have enough time, what if I lose them?
A–close up and shield myself from their love and attention
R–I don’t show up open and accepting and loving so that we can deepen our connection.

I feel like I have ruined my vacation and time home with my family because I have been feeling all this loss and sadness. I feel like I have done a bad job of being with them and loving them and honoring myself in the family.

Can you please help me?