I am recently aware that I have a need to be seen, and unconsciously it is an expectation I have.
-need to be seen relates to C’s that go to angry thoughts=> crappy results
It finally clicked that Needing with an expectation to be seen puts all the control of my emotional state outside of me. And it also makes no space for me to see others.
I’ve had so many disagreements with my ex-boyfriend. When I reached out to him looking for comfort and validation of my feelings, instead he would provided advice. I became frustrated with him and told him how I felt and invalidated. And really it was all about me not being seen the way I wanted him to see me.
But it was a work situation that finally brought “needing to be seen” to my awareness.
My manager missed an email that I sent causing miscommunication.
The T’s I had were
-I did what they asked but they don’t see it
-they wasted my time
-they think I made a mistake
-They are gaslighting me
-they don’t appreciate how hard I worked, they don’t see I did exactly what they wanted and now they’re acting as if I’ve done something wrong.
-They are not being accountable
I was very angry about the situation and it caused me to act defensively
As I’ve been mulling it over, I realize that I was so bent on trying to get to get them to that I did the work (and didn’t make a mistake). But it just inflated the miscommunication.
I think a better course of action would have been to realize “they missed the email – so I better try to understand where they’re coming from so we can solve the problem.”
If I was running in that model, I wouldn’t need to be seen, because I knew I did the right thing and it would not matter if they knew it or not because miscommunication does not mean anything has gone wrong.
I don’t want to keep creating models where I need to be seen. And the more I am writing and reflecting on this I am seeing how this lead to so many other issues and keeps me stuck. And I suspect it’s connected to people pleasing and fear of making a mistake, as well.
So, I think the work is how do I see myself, and comfort myself and be OK with myself regardless of whatever the c- line is.
Is seeing yourself, what Brooke means by having your own back? How do I start doing this? Giving myself a hug feels kind of silly, how do I catch myself when I’m feeling super angry like I was at work and comfort myself for validate myself in a situation?