Belief it’s not possible

I’m still not getting to the bottom of why I just can’t make my schedule consistently and then stick to it. I’ve been in scholars for almost a year and a half I’ve also hired an LCS master coach to help me with scheduling and time management. At this point, I’ve spent over $15,000 in coaching and I’m still not showing up to do the work.

For me, this is a huge amount of money and a huge investment. And am I’m still just not doing it. If you asked me what am I doing instead of my scheduling it’s answering email cleaning my house, getting distracted by whatever task seems more urgent or important, and then exhausting myself and thought loops about what I need to be doing and not doing and then I end up spending hours in the evening buffering watching television.

When I think about how much money I’ve spent and not maximizing the value and showing up for myself I feel a pit in my stomach and slightly nauseated. I am now starting to feel desperate and scared that I’m never going to be able to get a handle on this.

I’ve worked through not beating myself up and feeling my feelings. I’ve listened to all of the podcasts and understand that sometimes you just don’t feel like doing it. I’m not waiting for motivation to get me going. I understand that I have to just feel the discomfort and do it anyway, and I’m just not doing it.

For example, right now I need to make my schedule and I’m sitting at the table staring at the paper and spinning in my head about how to break my tasks into steps or what the best thing is to start with and I start going in circles and then I get and that’s when I get up to do something else. It could be checking email, getting a snack, and in this case today I realized emailing ask the coach might be better.

When I’m on coaching calls it all makes sense but then when it comes time to take the actions I don’t do anything. I was even coached by Brooke and she explained that I need to feel the discomfort and come from a space of love and compassion towards myself. And when I’m in that choice point of needing to do whatever the thing is I don’t necessarily feel any discomfort I just spin in my head and don’t do anything.

I’m having a meltdown that’s super interesting because I am crying and wanting to puke and feeling terrified all at the same time. Because I understand that this is what stands between me and living the life I want.

There’s still a part of me or a thought that just doesn’t believe this is possible and I’ve done all of this coaching and spent all this money only to prove to myself that it’s not possible. And that makes me so sad but I don’t even know how to overcome that.

But there’s got to be some part of me that believes it’s possible because I keep showing up.

It’s like that part is bigger and it won’t allow me to even try to be successful. I don’t know how to explain it but the feelings I’m having right now are sad, nauseated, terror, and anger… because I don’t want to spend my life having ideas and dreams and not taking action towards them.

All I have to do is make a plan and follow it, and I’m just not doing it.
And I’m literally wasting my life away spinning and buffering. I’m not super clear on what feeling I’m trying to avoid by buffering, but I think underneath all of it is I just don’t believe it’s possible. I had to even start shifting that? Even just writing this just makes me feel so sad and makes me cry and feel hopeless.