My Beloved 2.0

Why would I not want to show my face? Must be shame.

Interestingly. Weirdly. I’ve not had a problem with doing so outside of the SCS world. I have shared this freely with many people, including what he did. And I had determined early on, immediately when he went in that I didn’t care what anyone else thought. I knew I loved him and that was all that mattered. And I knew that when we have shame about something, it takes on a life of its own and I didn’t want that, so I made a point to share it and not hide behind it. Granted, I didn’t announce it on facebook or anything, but for those people who mattered or might matter, I freely shared it.

After 2+ years though, the resolve is fading. I appreciate what you said. You said exactly what I needed to hear. Duh! I guess I just wanted to have SCS be something that didn’t involve that. But it is a big part of my life, so I guess that really isn’t possible. It’s going to come up. Especially when working through the thoughts and beliefs I have about relationships based upon my limited experience with them. Which leads me to this. Before I met him, I realized I had had so few relationships and spent so many blocks of years just single. Period. And that it was high time I did something about it. I realized I wasn’t really connecting with people (the menfolk). I wanted more-intimacy.experience.messiness. I had heard a relationship expert talking about how people are messy, relationships are messy, and we are on this earth for relationships, they are the spice of life, give meaning to life, or something like that. But my relationships didn’t fit that description. There wasn’t enough depth to the few and far between I had. I decided I wanted messy! Within days I met him. Messy is what I got. I don’t regret any of it. The me before the decision to want messy would not have stayed. To me, wanting messy meant that I was in this to love and be loved for all of who I am and who the future he is. I love that you acknowledged this life we have as a wild, MESSY human ride. Just the reminder I needed!

Last week after my visit with him, he said I should take the month of Aug to myself and not worry about coming to visit him since I have a lot of stress right now and a lot on my plate. That felt so awesome until he sent an email later that day saying he didn’t get to talk about several subject he really wanted to talk with me about. So I told him I wanted to talk with him about whatever he wanted to talk about, and I would maybe come the next weekend (today). But I was feeling a martyr side of myself welling up during the week and I wanted to squelch it. I didn’t want to make him feel guilty or needy for my having made a decision to prioritize his desires and needs. So as I was headed out to see him this morning, I took a moment to think about what I wanted to get out of this visit (what is my purpose for the visit?). I determined I wanted to make sure he felt loved, and cared for, and special, and heard. Then as I was driving on the highway, the youtube video I had been listening to ended. I decided to listen to one of your podcasts from soundcloud. I fumbled with my phone and found the app and since I could not drive 70+ miles an hour down the busy highway and read the podcasts subjects, I swiped a few page views blindly and selected something. I had no idea what I was selecting. It was podcast #164 Love 2.0 on unconditional love! I had been more or less checked out during the month you did relationships so I had missed it when it was first out. It was perfect for my drive to see him. And it ended right on cue as I drove into the parking lot of the prison.