Berating Myself as a Mother

I have a nasty habit of berating myself as a mother. Some of my thoughts with (feelings).

– All I want is to get a nap so I can get better and you won’t even give me that! (Rage)
– I want to get away from it all so I can be better, but I can’t (trapped)
– I am failing as a mom (feels true)
– I’m losing it (angry)
– I can’t do three kids (defeated)
– I keep doing it all wrong (defeated)
– I’m a bad mom (defeated)
– I don’t want to be a good mom (rebellious). What is wrong with me? Don’t I love my kids? Yes, I’m just tired of them needing me ALL the time (Suffocating)
– My thinking is very toxic around motherhood (Feels factual)
– My kids watch too much TV (defeated)
– I’m too passive (defeated)
– I’m not authoritative enough (defeated)
– I’m done with this (rebellious)
– They are in my way (frustrated)
– This is so hard (angry)
– I can’t catch a break (angry)
– They will hate me when they are older (frustrated)
– we don’t connect (defeated)
– I don’t enjoy motherhood (feels factual)

I feel like I get bombarded with all of these at once when I make a slight mistake. I feel like I am gripped in a tight vice by these thoughts. I am having a hard time envisioning a world where I enjoy any of my mothering to make it worth the negative parts of mothering. And what if I can’t loosen these thoughts up and create a better mental space to live in before my kids are grown and gone? I feel in a hurry and panicked.

Where do I start? How can I get to a place of genuine enjoyment and love of my kids?