Biggie


This morning I wrote my husband a note. Told him I was “done”. Done with his stories for why he still has not paid off his debt that he promised he would.

This began 10 years ago. It was substantial debt from a previous divorce. I suspected it would take 5 years to pay it all off. I assumed he would do it because he knew (we had spoken about) how important paying off debt was to me.

3 years ago, I asked him about it. The debt was higher by $10 k than it was originally. F**K.

I had sort of known, but not admitted the fact that he came from a previous marriage that while high earning was hugely in debt. That is what he knows.
Need more money, use whatever debt vehicle they had access to. All the way to leveraging the damn house.

3 years ago I let that reality really seep in and I lost my mind and told him to get out.

I can totally see how I was complicit in enabling the circumstances. Now looking back, I am kind to myself – I did the best I could. I accepted his promise. I was living the fairy tale.

Back 3 years ago, I told him if he wanted to be back with me and the kids he had to get a plan to pay it off.
We made an agreement which really was an ultimatum.

He started to be more serious, but then fell off, I pulled him back on. It has been like that for 3 years.

Now we are in 2020. A significant amount of debt is paid off. He has 6 more payments to go. But I’m tired of being his momma, and whipper. And frankly this isn’t the relationship I wanted. This money stuff surrounds us… from investing to travel to just about anything.

I found out yesterday that he missed a payment because he didn’t have the money to pay it off. I had let go of some of my whipping figuring he was on it – So yesterday I asked him if he was still on track. That is when he told me he missed a payment.

I told him I don’t think I should treat him like a baby.
I shouldn’t care more about his debt than he does.
But I do because I care more about money than he does. And it makes me utterly sick of how much he has wasted not creating wealth over the past 10 years.

And frankly it makes me sick for how much covert energy (meaning resentment) I have had toward this situation and have used it to not grow my wealth, and blamed him for limiting my progress, our travel opportunities.

I wish I had the thought work back then, and I am also forgiving of myself and acknowledged what I have accomplished. It sounds incredibly messed up, but I have enabled a man, who has lived in debt most of his adult life, to almost get to the other side. The side with no debt, and actual savings.

There are a few models in here. The one I most want to explore is the one about building my own wealth and not letting the circumstance of his debt stop me.

My financial health is solid. My house is almost paid off (February next year), the kids education fund is at its max, I’m buying, my retirement fund is growing steadily, as are other investment vehicles.

I don’t carry debt (other than my mortgage which will be paid off in 6 months)

I’ve often been scared that if I really go after what I want I will distance myself from him. I have talked with him about this and has ensured that wouldn’t happen, and yet yesterday he told me that that is exactly what is happening.

But I don’t want to be in the debt energy. I want to be in the frequency of wealth. The capacity to have.

I should add that I am doing the connections workbook with him in mind. Of all my connections he factors into 1 of the 15. Parenting our kids.
I have zero interest in intimacy with him.

Another addition is that I’m going to coach certification for September and I know that it will support me to be on the greatest growth trajectory of my life.

So here is where the UM and IM
sit.

UM – there are 2 thoughts

C – my husband has debt
T 1 – I will never experience the true potential because of this albatross
T2 – I shouldn’t care more about this than he does
F1 – helpless
F2 – resentful
A1 – curl up and pity myself
A 2 – fight my way to wealth
R1 – no connection pissed off at myself
R2 – get to some version of wealth but nowhere near my potential.

IM
There are 2 thoughts here as well.
C – my husband has debt
T 1 – this is a mere obstacle and
T 2 he is the perfect partner for me now
F 1 – strong and connected to my core
F 2 – standing tall inside of myself, clarity
A – being clear on my goals, learn about investing, continue to move toward 1M and $5 M in revenue – my goal revenue for this year and 3 years.
Review my financial statements as I already do.
R – I am delighted with my progress my kids see and learn from my example.

Thanks for your insight that was longer than I expected.