Binging TV for comfort

I’ve been spending a lot of time buffering watching television. In one of my coaching sessions, the coach recommended asking myself what I need before I turn on the TV so I’ve been asking myself what I need when I reach for the remote.

What usually comes up is that I need a hug or company. Then I feel sad. Then I start crying. Then that pulls out Pandora’s box, and I start to feel sad about my ex, my body, missing my mom, sad about my mistakes that got me here (sad, alone, underpaid) then it feels impossible that it could ever change.

I feel like I should just accept that it will always be this way because then I can stop torturing myself with hope and expectation. I exhaust myself crying (and frighten myself with ridiculous thoughts) and then I want peace and to check out so I think I deserve a break so I turn on the tv anyway!

This whole thing starts with feeling isolated and alone and blaming myself for this result but I am caught up in this cycle of trying to accept (as in this was supposed to happen) but blaming myself for it, etc. and it goes nowhere.

If I can stop blaming myself for the situation, maybe I can comfort myself better? I see how much time I waste feeling terrible and then wasting time “recovering” from it by checking out.

Or maybe it’s simple- I’m alone – so what? Do you really want to make yourself feel shitty today and waste a bunch of time?

And I want to be done with this TV habit, would the over drinking materials be useful? I don’t drink so I’ve never looked at them.

Can you help me with getting some clarity around the unintentional models that I am running here?