Bipolar Disorder

I am having trouble with using the model for changing my moods or how I feel. Sometimes the moods are physical in nature, and I am unaware of any thoughts I may be thinking. Sometimes, my mood is great, but I feel lethargic probably due to the meds. Sometimes, I have so much anxiety, that it is hard to think, much less act. I spend a great deal of time trying to get myself to act or feel better. I fill my thoughts with inspirational writing to drown out the negative thinking, hoping somehow, I will get motivated to act on my dreams and goals. It takes medicine to regulate my moods. When I feel great, I have no problems with my thinking. I am confident and able to act. But when I have agitated depression and irritability, it’s very difficult to think or act. The meds sometimes help and they sometimes get in the way by making me feel worse. I have tried getting off medication, but that is a disaster. I become very angry and suicidal. I have taken meds for years, 35 to be exact. And it’s a constant chasing of the moods. When depressed, of course my thinking is negative, and that’s when I put in positive thoughts to try to change my mood. I want to be free of the constant vigilance I have to have. Sometimes, I just cannot act. No matter how I try, I feel worse if I take some kind of action. Some days I need rest, and I am constantly shaking my legs or rocking in bed due to the anxiety. I know I can make the moods worse by my thinking and behavior, but still there is an underlying mood that is not conducive to changing my thinking. I can’t seem to think my way out of a mood. It’s physiological in nature. I am dependent on meds. And I hate that. I know other people take meds for different disorders, but when it’s mental in nature, there still is a stigma. I have so many workbooks on different issues such as self-esteem and anxiety, etc. I have worked them, but I still end up having mood swings. What I am on now is not working too well. Today for example, I was in bed the whole day due to depression and anxiety. If I got up to do something, I felt worse. I did a thought download and a model, but I still was anxious and depressed physically. I don’t want the bipolar disorder to stop me from being a mom, playing the banjo really well, and writing a book to help others with bipolar function better. I have been holding off on that one because I am so inconsistent. I need to conquer this. I don’t want to sit on the sidelines of life any longer.