birth control against my will


I have had coaching on this so many times, and yet i can’t get through this problem:
My first child is 18 month old and I want another one, my partner doesn’t. I used to wear an IUD, so he didn’t have to think about birth control. Now I want to get myself to put one back in, but can’t get myself to do it. It feels like self-mutilation: I don’t want to be sterile! My deepest desire would be to be pregnant again. I don’t want to become pregnant behind his back, nor trick him. I also don’t want to leave him to have more children with someone else – destroy one family to start another doesn’t make sense. But I don’t see why I have to take care of birth control for him, when it’s his problem.
I understand that I don’t behave much like a partner there, but can’t get over myself.
I can’t talk with him about it, he just shuts down and doesn’t want to hear about it, gets very silent and walks away. I understand that he doesn’t want to have another child, and I know it’s because he wants to preserve our couple: out of love. Also, he is 7 years older than me and doesn’t feel fit enough for another one at 47, financially and energy-wise. I do understand that, and don’t argue with him.
For a long time I thought: I don’t want to become pregnant against his will, that would be awful. He would ask me to abort, and I would refuse, it would be the end of our couple. So the aim was to coach myself to a point where I could go see the doctor. no success. a very strong instinctive will made me cancel the appointment 2 times. But the longer I wait with putting the IUD in, the more I think: maybe I don’t really care. Maybe I want a second child more than his love.
he doesn’t like condoms and doesn’t want to get his tubes tied (thank god! hahaha).
I don’t know what to do – or rather, I know I have to go get that IUD but really don’t want to and feel totally stuck.