I am in the middle of divorce. My husband did a lot of things I felt hurt about.
I am also a therapist and a teacher. I was teaching with a colleague today talking with someone getting over a break-up.
They were saying how they didn’t need anything from their partner, didn’t need closure, didn’t blame them.
I did not have much to say. My co-teacher said that they thought blame was a major impediment to learning, growing, moving on, and doing well in next relationship. There was also talk about how arranged marriages do better and the value and benefits of a long term marriage in which the parties learn about themselves and each other.
I still feel blame toward my husband, and hurt, and ongoing issues continue – it is not a peaceful or harmonious divorce with mutual support – it is antagonistic with ongoing hurts, or attempts to harm.
I feel blame to him for things in the marriage, since the separation, ongoing, and denying us both the opportunity to figure it out and have the growth experience of a long term marriage and relationship (we were together 14 years, married 10). I loved him, I trusted him, I wanted to be with him into old age.
I also feel blame to myself for whatever I did wrong, known or unknown, what he blamed me for or not, what I should have seen or not.
I also realize/believe/think that I am supposed to forgive him, stop blaming him and me, and move on, and disappointed/concerned about myself that I can’t do that.
I feel as if I can focus elsewhere some-much of the time and feel positive, but I still blame him, and don’t feel very close to stopping that, nor do I feel that I want to trust him or be close to him – yet I am stuck with him in my life as the father of my children (even saying that is painful as I feel I’ve given my children such a messed up life by having divorced parents, they have no role models for a healthy relationship or resolution of conflict).
I feel stuck in trying to form some new relationship with him – which I have no desire to do – or continue to have distance, pain, blame, and conflict. I do not feel safe giving up blame given this ongoing situation.
I feel stuck.
I feel as if there is a 3rd or 100th option, but I’m not willing to consider, they never sound realistic or like something I would want to do.
Maybe I haven’t heard the right one yet, and I’m still hoping it is out there, but so far seems the best thing is to just focus on another area of life and ignore this one – which is not what I would want to do (he was the avoider I was the approacher), but it seems hopeless. He has no interest in being genuinely kind or decent, he is polite in front of others, only to act completely differently when company changes. It’s creepy to me and unnerving.
I guess my question is how do I give up blame?
What do I do if I don’t want to? is my R destined to be torture then?