Blame, Love, Hate, Peace, Freedom

How can I move from blame to peace, when I don’t really want to land in love? I am breaking up and I find a lot of blame in my mind about my ex that I have to continue to see given we have children together. I want the conflict (that I blame on him) to end, but I’m not really feeling like loving him (I tried that before we broke up and I did not work to sustain our relationship or keep me safe).

I do not want to keep blaming him, as I understand that this is disempowering. Is there a way I can just feel my own peace, stop blaming him, while also staying distant from him and not loving toward him. I’ve been telling myself I have to love him and I have a strong negative reaction to having any sort of relationship with him. Feels scary and like a bad idea.

I tried loving him because of something Brooke or Kara said about loving the person before you leave the relationship. I felt I did a good job of loving him, but it just seems as if it was foolish of me now, and disempowering.

It’s as if I have a lot of hatred, which I think is justified, and I don’t really want to change my feelings toward him, but I do want to change blaming him and I do not want to love him. I already did that and gave up 15 years of my life being with him.

Am I doomed to nothing good in life if I can’t bring myself to love him? Do I have to love everyone to be happy? I just want to feel free and at peace. Is that possible?