Blaming vs taking responsibility in sex life with husband


My husband and I have sex about 3 times a month. I used to feel terrible about this and thought something was wrong. My manual for our sex life is that we should be sexually intimate a couple times a week, especially since we were this way while dating. I’ve asked him if we could have more sex, and nothing has changed. I also haven’t made much effort to create more attraction in our relationship because I felt resentful. I also felt like I wasn’t attractive enough. I did some work and resigned to the fact that this is just what it is. Over the years, I’ve come to accept that 3 times a month is fine for me too. The majority of these times I’m the one who asks for sex and he responds willingly and openly. If I don’t ask, we’ve gone months without having sex.

I’d love to figure out where blaming vs. taking responsibility comes into play here. A part of me blames him for our subpar sex life, for flipping the switch on me from dating to marriage, for making sex feel like a chore I have to ask him to do. And another part of me takes responsibility for not doing more on my end to manage my mind and expectations, for not doing more to make sex fun. We have an amazing relationship apart from that, and we’re both just tired juggling so many other responsibilities in our lives that sex feels like another task. I’m also not particularly interested in sex anymore now but do it because it’s good for us.