I got severely legitimately ill last week with a stomach infection and a high fever and I had a 2 day online training on UK time this weekend, that required me to get up at 3:30 in the morning my time. I had just finished a round of antibiotic shots the previous day and was still feeling unwell but I showed up for the first day, made it through till “lunch” at 7am my time, then went to sleep and slept through the rest of it. I told the host in an email earlier in the week that I was sick, but I did show up. That night I was up until midnight with a sick child and wound up sleeping through all of day 2.

I’m feeling very unprofessional and wondering if I was legitimately sick or if there was a factor in my brain giving myself permission to blow it off. I didn’t have a fever by Saturday, but I’d been in the clinic on Friday. I feel like I should have been better and should have made more effort. It’s not like I even had to leave my house, just get up and turn on Zoom. I think I reasoned the training was recorded and I was too sick to contribute so I slept.

I’m not sure if I was indulging in self-care or self-sabotage.

I don’t feel like getting up at 3:30 ever, but even though I‘ve been sick I suspect if the training had happened at 9am instead of 4am I would have shown up. I suspect that I’m slipping into old patterns of not doing things and I think underneath it is a sense of failure and pointlessness since I haven’t been achieving the results I’ve been wanting lately. It was actually a little bit of a relief to get sick and just sleep and watch Netflix in a feverish stupor even if I physically felt like ass. Mentally it was a vacation.