Brooke,
I have been working with one of your coaches on the topic of managing my thoughts about my manager’s condescending tone. She suggested that I take this question to Ask Brooke.

Unintentional model
C: My manager speaks to me a condescending tone (in meetings, in 1:1 sessions)
T: She thinks I’m incompetent
F: Defensive
A: Explain myself, be defensive
R: She continues to berate me in a condescending tone

I’m trying out two intentional models:
Intentional Model 1:
C: My manager speaks to me in a condescending tone
T: I can use this situation to my advantage
F: In control
A: Answer questions directly, don’t be defensive
R: My manager still speaks to me in a condescending tone but I still retain my self-control

Intentional Model 2:
C: My manager says she has explained this to me many times before (I’m trying to make this a neutral circumstance)
T: She is upset because she did not get the result she expected
F: Curious
A: Ask questions, try to address issue
R: Manager gets the results expected

The coach suggested that I should use intentional model 2 since its neutral. But I’m having a hard time letting go of my awareness that its a condescending tone she’s using. Anyone who is in the meeting or surroundings would agree with me, and others have come up to me and asked why she uses that tone. On the one hand, I want this circumstance to be neutral, on the other hand, I need to keep this awareness ongoing – I lead senior level meetings, and need to be evaluating people’s body language, tone of voice, eye contact to adjust my delivery or meeting facilitation.

Can you advise? In simple terms, I’m asking if I should be dropping my other-awareness and making even (obviously emotional) situations neutral in my mind.

Thanks!