Body Shame

I’ve had serious medical problems since I was born. I was only 15 the first time a Dr told me “life is hard but you are probably going to die”. One issue or another has continued until today at 61. Many days of my life have been spent in hospitals. Lots and lots of operations. Despite all this I’ve always been a fighter. I refused to identify myself as weak or a victim. I carried my strength as a badge of courage.

Thru SCS I’ve discovered that I’ve actually carried tremendous amount of shame and anxiety over my body. To some degree the strong persona has been bravado. Discovering this about myself has allowed me to see sides of my personality that I’ve ignored. Defensiveness, always wanting to appear perfect, impatience, guarded etc. Despite having lots of lovely friends, I keep most issues a secret. My life would be so much easier if I could just be open about all I have to deal with but that will never happen. Most people would find some of my issues gross. I know that is just a thought. But it is a thought that would be carried by a high percentage of people.

This self discovery has been a surprise. For a while I just sat with this new discovery. Now I’d like to know how to move forward. I can easily fill in the model but changing the thought is challenging.

C: I have X,Yand Z
T: That is not only a daily challenge to live with but can be considered gross
F: Guarded
A: Stay on defense
R: Personal relationships affected