Body Shame

Years ago, I heard the phrase “skinny fat.”

I remember the shame vibrating through my body when I heard it, as I was confronted with the reality that my body still, despite my hating it into thinness, still wasn’t good enough.

I distinctly remember thinking that whatever safety I thought I’d earned through the approval of thinness was falsehood because I was without a doubt “skinny fat” and still unacceptable.

To this day, the idea of skinny fat haunts me. I’m realizing (as I prepare to move to a warmer client and in with a boyfriend where my body will be much more visible) that I haven’t dealt with this at all.

Prior to now, when the thoughts come up, I’ve literally layered up clothing and hunkered down at my computer – giving myself the illusion of looking fit and buffering with work.

I do want to achieve a healthier lifestyle and a healthier body. But, I want to be okay with myself now and in the process.

Is there module work I could explore for this topic? Here’s a recent model.

C: Observed should blade wingspan in bathroom mirror. Rhomboid muscles are stretched.
T: I have no muscle strength or definition.
F: Shame
A: Immediately do rhomboid muscle exercises. Try to find a different angle in the mirror. Tell myself my boyfriend will think I’m skinny fat and lose interest in me. Tell myself I won’t be able to keep up with my boyfriend’s active lifestyle. Tell myself I’m not strong enough to try physical activities I might enjoy. Consider putting on a sweatshirt despite the heat.
R: Prevent myself from engaging in physical activity.