I want to say I feel fat but I know fat is not a feeling. I know when I put “I feel fat” in the T line, the action is that I end up buffering over the feelings of dread and anxiety.
What has actually happened here?
C: scale says 1×8.4 at 8:38pm, or, the force of my physical body in the earth when I step on a digital box is reported to me in numbers
C: I have awareness and attention focused on sensations in my body, or I have sensations in my
Body that I am aware of. Or, my avatar has legs, skin, stomach, face.
C: I ate 4 mini snickers bars, half a muffin, and Melba toast cookies, or, my avatar consumed molecules for energy that were not planned for
C: I did not plan a protocol today, a detailed fuel plan for my human was not created in advance
C: I traveled today on a plane, or my human body went into a giant flying piece of metal today
Well that actually feels quite neutralizing.
Hmm. I’m almost wondering if there’s anything more to do here…
C: the force of my physical body in the earth when I step on a digital box is reported to me in numbers
T: I’m going to get fat and ugly and my dreams are never going to come true. (I think there’s actually a bunch of perfectionism in here / I have to be perfect and everything has to be perfect in order for my dreams to come true)
F: dread
A: strive to fix myself – set weight loss goals, go on diets, recommit to diet
R: I reinforce my not-enoughness and ensure my dreams don’t come true
Well THAT was illuminating.
Let’s try these on:
T: it’s possible that my dreams coming true has NOTHING to do with the number on the scale
T; it’s possible that I can be HAPPY and it has zero to do with the scale
T: it’s possible that I am PERFECTLY ENOUGH exactly as I am
T: it’s possible that NOTHING about me has to change for my dreams to come true
T: it’s possible that NOTHING about me needs to change for me to be good enough
T: it’s possible that I am divinely perfect exactly as I am
T: I can desire to put different fuel in my body tomorrow and that’s not a problem at all
So this is about being enough. Plain and simple. That’s what it’s about. I make the number on the scale mean I’m not good enough and that I have to fix it. I try to fix it, and prove I’m not enough. I can see this so clearly right now.
C: the force of my human body on this earth is reported to me in numbers
T: it’s possible that NOTHING about me needs to change for me to be absolutely good enough
F: open
A: I tell my brain to look for ways I am enough. I speak what I mean. I take care of my self. I eat what feels nourishing and what works for my body. I show up more fully, I prove to myself that I’m enough. I go all in. I don’t play small.
R: I find evidence for my enoughness
Open to any and all feedback.
Thought ladder:
T: I need to fix this is a thought programmed inside my head
T: I need to fix this is basically a programmed trauma response
T: it’s possible that I don’t need this trauma response anymore
T: it’s possible that trying to change myself is the ONLY thing keeping me from living my dreams right now
T: I’m willing and open to exploring how I’m exactly enough exactly as I am
T: plenty of people are bigger than me and are living their dreams
T: I’m becoming a person who believes nothing has to change about me to be good enough
