Border Horder

one of the main reasons i have not progressed as far as I want in this life is because there is constant chaos in my brain. One of the biggest reasons I joined scs was to help me over this hurdle of what I view myself as a messy person. My husband hates it and calls me a border horder. I try to beat back the clutter in my life, but somehow it always grows back and hinders me. For example when I was selling my house I took so many steps necessary to minimalize– life changing magic of tidying up and all that, but it always seems to return to a chaotic state. My mind, my house, my room and now my relationships with my emerging teens. I have tried everything. Ive had housekeepers, not had them, but I am always in this state and I have been better and you would hardly know I am a horder, but I feel like one on the inside. I am not one of those sentimental horders because I can get rid of stuff. I am not a compulsive future shopper although I used to be and have cleared it up. I may overshop a bit like I overeat a bit but i do not take satisfaction in shopping like I once did, and think I only overbuy now because I hate shopping and have more money to spend more to avoid shopping in the future. I can not figure out why I am always swirling in chaos. Even when my house looks clean I know my drawers and cabinets are swirling in chaos or even if all that is clean, my laundry is chaos, or even if that is ok, my mind is so chaotic at times. I have tried to rise above it and not beat myself up for it, and had a curious preschooler neighbor who used to walk in my house and want to play and I entertained him, and he helped me get over allowing people in my house even when it wasn’t perfect. I still feel awful about it and have a hard time letting kids friends over. I let my kids friends over but am panicking and feeling worthless the whole time even if the house is decent. Help me! When I heard you were going to focus this in OCTOBER I was super psyched. Help me now!! I need a nugget to start with because this thing has been hard to shake and though Ive made progress, I have also relapsed so many times. I was doing housework very well and alone about two years ago and kept it very clean, but now I am back to old me and am thinking of reasons to leave the house every time I set a side time to clean. My brain finds stupid excuses to leave like oh I need colored pens for my planner i never use, or I need to get some food, or I need to buy some pest control because I saw an ant, anything to avoid picking up. There are so many tangled chords here. Please help me unravel it. It prevents me from having connections with people, or my kids feeling comfortable in our own house with friends over. When I do invite people over i may binge clean and make everything perfect to show I am not the person I really am. The food will be amazing and it will be one huge theatrical production like Martha Stewart or insert any modern day gourmet lifestyle blogger. It’s not even enjoyable, because its like a play I am putting on. I just want to love myself and my space and be comfortable if people show up or if not. I don’t know how to do that. Help me!!